Sometimes I think people question what I’ve been doing the past couple months. Right, and like I don’t blame you… you see obscure Instagrams and get random texts about whether you are free on a Monday  during the day to come walk in the park with me. I get it.  And honestly, if I could boil it down I would say that I’ve been trying to create a life I don’t want to run away from and one that doesn’t exhaust me.
 
I’ve spent countless years of fighting. I’m a fighter. I fight my way out of shit.  Fighting the haters and the doubters. Fighting the bozos and the displeased. And the fighting served me well. I fought through undergrad and grad school, back surgery, Lyme disease, and mama g’s cancer. I’ve proved to everyone and myself that I can do hard things. Like I tell my yoga students all the time, “you have a 100% success rate of getting through hard things otherwise you wouldn’t be here breathing and moving.”
 
And that’s the thing, things serve us well until they don’t; it works until it doesn’t. And fighting served me well. I have a fond likeness of fighting as a concept. It’s a great 21st-century skill to have, being able to tap into the depths of your well and bring up some grit is good stuff. And yet, fighting and running away isn’t serving me well anymore. It’s fine, no hard feelings. It means that I need to find a new way of being, drop the armour, and really jump into my life with both feet.
 
Learning to stop running is hard. And I think it’s brave. Like really brave. It’s flipping the script, reversing the ship. It’s dropping the guard, living in the “I don’t know,” and the “maybe the 57th time will be the charm.” It’s believing that  “We are the luckiest.” I think it’s a brave thing. And it’s the thing that I’ve been trying to figure out for the past couple months. I’ve dug to the depths of my toolkit and tried everything; as wide and deep as the sea is so is the width and depth of the things I’ve tried. They include, but are not limited to:
 

– Going to yoga and not going to yoga
– Running and not running
– Drinking coffee
– Binge watching Nashville, Grey’s, Scandal, and Gossip Girl
– Sewing bowties
– Hating fundraisers
– Mandatory fun
– Teaching yoga
– Painting
– Reading. So much reading.
– Talking to my life coach
– Going to therapy and then firing my therapist
– Taking meds and not taking meds
– Sleeping 12 hrs and napping afternoons away
– Taking my brother to quilt shows
– Laying in the sun
– Getting sober
– Sending old fashioned letters
– Getting real where I’m not being real
– Learning to own and love all parts of me
– Throwing shit out
– Re-making my alter
– Going to the independent movie theatre alone
– Lots of frozen gluten free pizza
– Acupuncture
– Feeling feelings
– Spending dollars
– Driving.
– Listening to podcasts and NPR
– Going to lunch with my mother
– Getting unburnt out
– Feeling like a boring person, an interesting person, and then everything in between
– Applying to 400 jobs and getting rejected from every single one
– Having great interviews and terrible ones
– Learning how to use a 3d printer
– Watching Jeopardy every night with the fam
– Eating plain non-gmo organic microwave popcorn
– Sending flowers
– Visiting friends
– Perfecting recipes
– Responding to messages
– Cuddling the cat
– Creating messes
– Not having a bedtime and having a bedtime
– Getting pedicures
– Hiking/ romping/ walking in the woods
– Staying in pajamas all day and getting dressed to the nines
– Photoshoots and bad Instagrams
– Undoing trauma
– Getting clear
– Having plans and not having plans
– Believing that sometimes the 57th time is the charm
– Drinking hot lemon water
– Meditating
– Writing mantras
– Spray painting everything
– Refilling the bird feeder and watering the plants
– Making friends
– Trusting the universe
– Knowing that not knowing is the plan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

… and so many more things.

I don’t actually know how to create a life that I don’t want to run away from or one that doesn’t exhaust me. But, In the past few months, I’ve really dug deep. It’s been fun and great, it’s been sad and lonely and while my parents are ready for their 24-year-old adult kid to not live in their house anymore, I’m really grateful for the time to get grounded and re-rooted. So what’s next? Well, I don’t know. Taking a line from Sheryl Crow’s playbook, “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.” And so I’m going to keep doing the things that make me happy and let the things that don’t fall away.  I think that’s the beauty of this life, we are only confined by the rules that we create. So, if you ever want to come walk in the park with me on a Monday during the day, reach out.